1. |
Doorknob Confessional
03:32
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It’s that time of year again
We’ve got to keep the water running
Or else the pipes will freeze
It’s colder in my living room
Than it is outside
No matter when I get out of bed
I’ll still be this tired
I’m always
Halfway between asleep and up all night
Glued to dirty sheets whether or not I like
Around 4am I’m hearing voices
But nothing scares me anymore
I know it’s just
That time of day again
Too much better than I’ve been
I’ll scan eBay for a while
Bid on a ton of items
Start projects left and right
Then abandon them tonight
This might not be what good feels like
But at least I’m not so fucking tired
I’m always
Halfway between asleep and up all night
Glued to dirty sheets whether or not I like
Around 4am I’m hearing voices
But nothing scares me anymore
I know it’s just
New medication reacting to
My reticence to accept the truth
Got a lifetime of error ahead of me
Trial that might not change anything
Whoever said “just get some exercise”
Has clearly never, ever tried
To claw out of their own damn body
Planned a route to their own exit sign
Barely held on ‘til their next appointment
Couldn’t eat and went to bed for dinner
Spent a holiday weekend in borrowed clothes
And those socks that help you grip the floor
They’ve never been
Halfway between asleep and up all night
Glued to dirty sheets whether or not I like
Around 4am I’m hearing voices
But nothing scares me anymore
I know it’s just
New medication reacting to
My reticence to accept the truth
Got a lifetime of error ahead of me
Trial that might not change anything
Living and dying by a routine
It’s just a disorder, not a disease
Still get a nice, long life, if I’m lucky
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2. |
Good Reason
02:38
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I’m starting to believe it’s magic
When somebody can’t imagine
If it didn’t happen to you
It doesn’t make it less true
I know it’s an act to try and balance
Commiseration and empathic absence
Lean too hard on either side and we’ll all have a real bad time
But it’s all just part of a plan
Just try and do the best that you can
And know that everything that happens
Is for some goddamn good reason
I’m still thinking of a way to say it
That won’t just come off as so outdated
Do unto others still might fit unless you treat yourself like shit
But if it’s all just part of a plan
I’ll try and do the best that I can
And hope that everything that happens
Is for some goddamn good reason
Sometimes life feels like being on late night drive
Where someone’s taken the exit signs
Replaced your headlamps with flashlights
And you’re just trying to get somewhere and not die
But it’s all part of a plan
Just try and do the best that you can
Pretend that everything that happens
Is for some goddamn good reason
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3. |
Well Enough
03:24
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I smoked a cigarette in a social setting
Just wanted to fit in
I’ve got my vices
But this is one I didn't have the guts to try in high school
It just made me cough, feel like shit the next day
I tried again and I threw up immediately
I grew up trying to stay straight laced
Look how much good that did
I drank at least six days this week
But still don’t go to parties
I keep saying I’ll change once I finish this last case
But there’s bottles in the cabinet
That I don’t want to waste
So I'm sipping on a scotch I hate
My reward for getting through today
I did nothing but skip another meal and walk
Around a Target
No matter what I try
I can’t soothe the shame from last night
I’m too worn out to help myself
Oh well
I called it self care, claimed treating myself
My friends affirmed my newfound health
I’m just as sad as ever, indignant as I was
When they staged an intervention
At a comedy show on the Seaport years ago
And I'm still sipping scotch I hate
My reward for getting through today
I did nothing but skip another meal and walk around a Target
No matter what I try
I can’t soothe the shame from last night
I’m too run down to help myself
Oh well
Have another, have some more
You’re fine, it’s all under control
Have another, just one more
I’ll be choking down a scotch I hate
‘cause I barely made it through today
I did nothing but skip another meal and walk around a Target
Why bother, why try
I’ll still be ashamed of tonight
I’m too fucked up
To help myself
Oh well
Too hungover
To get better
To get well
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4. |
Smile with your Teeth
02:57
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Why am I so addicted to my cell phone?
It’s not telling me anything I don’t know
Just that I’m anxious and bored
Wish I could be someone who doesn’t constantly need
To seek out their self esteem
From what other people think of me
And while I’m waiting patiently
I’m comparing myself to
What the younger hotter people do
But I mean it when I say
I waste my time in the best way
Even on the days that I enjoy this
Feels pointless but I guess
I could be somebody else entirely
Comb my hair and smile with my teeth
Get a job that actually makes money
Forget happiness eventually
But if that’s how it was
I’m pretty sure I’d have less fun
Cause I mean it when I say
I waste my time in the best way
Trying to add some point to what feels
Pointless so pointless
But I guess I could go somewhere else
A vacation from myself
Am I at the point where I’m supposed to ask for help?
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5. |
BYOB
03:46
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I think I finally get
What my sister meant
When she asked, “what’s the point
In being up ‘til 4am if you’re not drinking?”
It’s been ten years since then
And I’m just four days deep
Into trying my best
To take off the edge
Without drowning it
In another fifth
I can stop it’s not a problem
Feeling best when I feel nothing
It’s not so bad here at the bottom
Feeling best when I feel nothing
I think I finally get
That monthly tradition
Waking up on the first
And calling out for rabbits’ help in wishful thinking
Mine’s a bit different
Before I go to bed
I write down all the things
That make me want to keep
This streak alive
For another ninth
Is it coping or a problem?
Feeling best when I feel nothing
Getting worse here at the bottom
Feeling best when I feel nothing
Move the goalposts just enough then
Feeling best when I feel nothing
If you bring your old bullshit
You’ll just be your own bad luck
You can be your own burden
Won’t be worth betting on
If I bring my old bullshit
I’ll just be my own bad luck
I can be my own burden
Won’t be worth betting on
No one’s fault but it’s my problem
Feeling best when I feel nothing
How long have I been at the bottom
Feeling best when I feel nothing
Still rolling out of bed each morning
Feeling best when I feel nothing
Taking wins where I can get ‘em
Feeling bad, at least it’s something
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6. |
Stress Dream
03:23
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Get up get out
Put on some pants and leave the house
Do some errands just to drive around
Anything to feel productive now
What was I talking about?
I can’t stay focused on what I had started to
Did I just get bored halfway through cleaning my room
Cause suddenly I’m in the kitchen eating some food
On one hand it seems
Don’t have the time to do what I need
On the other I find
I’m looking up which Lawrence brother died
Turns out they’re all alive
And I’m glad to see that they’re all right
But now back to the task at hand
Goddamnit what was it I was doing again?
I can’t stay focused on what I had started to
Did I just get bored halfway through cleaning my room
Cause suddenly I’m on my bed stress reading the news
Not productive just something to do
I can’t be thinking of my life how I used to
Measuring my worth in daylight hours I use
Cause suddenly it’s dark and there’s so much left to do
There’ll be time like the present some other day soon
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7. |
Team Sports
03:32
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They just have to ask,
“Are you doing okay?
Your hair’s changed a lot since I saw you last”
I shrug it off
I resent the implication that
I must be in pain if something’s different
Lately I’m not doing great
But what’s my haircut have to do with anything?
I’ll talk it out
At my appointment later
Til then I’ve got
Some things to stew on
I’m not alright
Or on my best behavior
Can we just drop it?
That’s not what friends are for
They never ask
“Are you really okay?
Did you sleep? Did you eat? Did you crash your bike again?”
It’s best that way
But I wish we could just talk about
The kinds of pain
We inflict on ourselves
Lately I could use a hand
But I’m not sure how to ask for it
I’ll talk it out
At my appointment later
Til then I’ve got
Some things to stew on
I’m not alright
Or on my best behavior
Can we just drop it?
That’s not what friends are for
Could there be comfort in the healing
Or will the hurt stay a linchpin of my feelings?
We’re all just looking for a safe place to spiral
Why not make a team sport out of survival?
Are you doing okay?
Are you really okay?
I’ll talk it out
At my appointment later
Til then i’ve got
So much to stew on
I’m not alright
Or on my best behavior
Can we just drop it?
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8. |
Same Difference
02:55
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Did I finally start to figure it out?
Who the hell I wanted to be by now
Somebody that can actually laugh
At things they did cause they were sad like
When I found myself alone at school
Wishing somebody would think I’m cool
Enough to sit down across from me
Stare in my eyes and watch me eat
I thought it’d easy to find someone as hungry
But remember what your sister said
“If you look for someone just as different
Well then not every part is going to fit
It’s not either or to give up or give in”
Nothing happened for a while then
Got conflicting advice from all my friends
Who told me I should go
And date someone I already know
Really well but not too close
Cause when that ends it really blows
But I remember what my sister said
“If you look for someone just as different
Well then not every part is going to fit
It’s not either or to give up or give in”
Give up or give in
Spent so long beside myself
Couldn’t imagine me with someone else
Who’ll sit down next to me
Turns out I hadn’t saved a seat
It’s simple but isn’t easy
To make some room for somebody
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9. |
Real Change
03:18
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Who cares
If you’re feeling like a fraud?
I swear
We’re all somebody we’re not
I’m finally closer to content with this brain that I’ve got
But it only takes a day to fuck up
I’m so tired
And sick of letting myself down
Of running late when I leave the house
And leaving when I should stick around
Is it too late
Once the feeling has been felt
For real change?
And this high standard doesn’t help
I can give out good advice but just not to myself
It’s like trying to kiss your own mouth
I’m so tired
And sick of letting myself down
Of running late when I leave the house
And leaving when I should stick around
And at the end of a long day spent looking at my phone
I tell myself I’m productive as long as I don’t
Stay up too late tonight i won’t but it’s four in the morning and
I’m tired
And sick of letting myself down
Of running late when I leave the house
And leaving when I should stick around
Now the sun’s out
As if it knew what I needed
Something to feel without seeing
Maybe this time I’ll believe it
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10. |
Going Pains
03:08
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It’s gonna feel so good to miss you
To have this bed to myself
To go somewhere new and do something cool
And know you’re all set somewhere else
There are days it’s much harder
And sometimes you feel farther
But I know that you’re working
I know you’re just fine
You’ve got your own things
I’ve got mine
I’m so glad to be gone
Even when it all sucks
And your life moves along
It’s a gift to be gone
Looking forward to being bored
Sprawling out on old friends’ basement floors
Burritos again, it’s the third time this week
Might as well just get takeout when I’m only feeding me
I’m still glad to be gone
Even when it all sucks
And if life doesn’t stop
We’ll make it a gift to be gone
When going pains us this long
We’ll say it’s a gift to be gone
‘til it feels true enough
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Future Teens Boston, Massachusetts
future teens is amy, daniel, maya and colby. they are a bummer pop band from boston.
[booking by amartin@sequelmusicgroup.com]
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